i'm in a state of shock. it's hard to begin articulating my feelings at the moment, but i'l try to put my experience into coherent thoughts.

today's class was amazing beyond words. having read the email from president gene nichol not long before, i needed some method to express my growing confusion and disappointment with the BOV's decision (is decision even the right word?). witnessing our circle, in our unity within and outside of our class gave me inner strength that my opinion was not in the minority. with open arms we accepted passerbys to join in our chants. this behavior is truly remarkable. i am grateful beyond words that i am in francis' class.

with that said, i really shouldn't have gone to my business class afterwards. for some reason i just assumed that nichol's resignation would impact all classes, not only today but for a long time to come. I assumed that students and teachers would be so affected by today's occurrences that the day-by-day class material would be deemphasized in hopes of sparking discussion about our feelings. i was sadly mistaken.

not one person mentioned his name. my professor began his lecture asking us "how is the weather today?" i was silently outraged. is this it? is this how the world of business operates? not one mention of his name, of an opinion, of anything that might incite controversy? i kept hoping that he would say something, anything really about the matter, but the class ended, everyone got up, and left. nothing out of the usual, and it was terrible. a friend from class asked me, "did you hear? about the resignation? it's so crazy, but i don't really care either way." i couldn't respond. i was still in a state of shock that was furthered by not only my business class, but also her statement just then. do people really not care? do they feel like they don't have an opinion or that it doesn't matter? is this what business does to people? what am i doing here?

i'm confused. i can't think. i'm depressed. i don't know what to say to people right now. i can't discuss homework, projects, pointless day-to-day things that i won't remember a year from now. i don't want to think that i won't be happy without money. i don't want to worry so much about my future that it causes me to lose sleep, become more depressed, and continue to stress. i'm in the business school. does that mean that my feelings are a result of me being in this program? i don't know. i really don't.

i spent an hour and a half outside in the cold after my business class listening to the opinions of many of the brave and wonderful people in support of Gene Nichol. i'm sick, but it was worth it. i was standing near the edge of the sunken gardens and someone came up and said to me, "this is pointless. these people keep saying all the same things." did he think that because i was on the edge of the crowd that i would share his opinion? what a fucking shitbag. while i was still on the outskirts, most of the people around me were scoffing or mumbling opposing opinions to what the speakers were saying. a guy right by me was adding a running commentary on how bad the students were dressed and how lame they were. Seriously? He thinks that is important right now, if ever? i wanted to scream.

some girl from my business class got up to speak. i know her name, she knows mine, but she's the type of person that is all about networking in the business world, so i wouldn't exactly say she talks to me out of friendship. when she got up to speak, i only wondered, what's she doing up there? she didn't seem particularly upset in class today. she gave a speech about the senior class gift, and how we all needed to remember to give them more money. she said a generalized bit about gene nichol and how great it was to support what he has accomplished, but she named nothing specific. i didn't believe her. i wish i had recorded it.

i'm here now, writing all of this down in attempt to somehow make sense of it. i need to stay positive, but i feel like crying.

selma and i are making flyers as soon as i'm done with this post.